109: Death of A Dream

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What do you do when you have a dream that dies? Today, I'm sharing

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a special episode in which I share an essay I wrote about the death of

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our dream when. It came to the end of our time. Connected to Ramsey

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Solutions. I'm Amy Fritz,

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and you're listening to the Untangled Faith podcast, a

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podcast for anyone who has found themselves confused or disillusioned in their

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faith journey. If you want to hold on to your faith while untangling it from

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all that is not good or true, this is the place

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for you. Hey, friends. I don't do a lot of

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solo episodes, but I'm working on a writing project this year, and

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since writing is kind of a crazy, solo, lonely

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thing, I wanted to occasionally share some of the words that I'm putting

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together for you. So today I'm sharing an essay I initially only

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shared with my Patreon community. As I was planning out content

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for this year, I decided to share some of the essays with everyone.

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That won't be the case with each one, but it is for this one. I

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think this one hits on a theme that most of you can relate

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to. When a dream dies, no one leaves

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home unless home is the mouth of a shark. You only run for the

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border when you see the whole city running as well.

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Warsan Shire, Home. In June of

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2022, I recorded myself saying the words, this

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is not my dream. If you're reading these words or listening to my voice

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as I read them, you know what it's like to find yourself in a place

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that you never wanted to be. That's where I was when I shared

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those words on the untangled faith podcast. A podcast I started to provide

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community and encouragement and education for people like me, people

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who had experienced pain and disillusionment connected to their evangelical

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christian faith. The podcast tagline says it best

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for those who want to hang on to their faith while untangling it from all

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that isn't good and true. Well, that's the place we found

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ourselves, and it's a place that we never wanted to be. I

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don't know the exact path that led you into running into me here, but I'm

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certain it involved the death of a dream. Maybe more than one.

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This account wouldn't make sense if I didn't anchor it with the idea of dreams.

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Chasing dreams, achieving dreams, being certain that

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broken dreams were a thing of the past, getting sucked into the vortex of other

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people's misguided dreams, and finally waking up from

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what we thought was a dream, only to discover it was a

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nightmare. We had a dream that died on April

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26, 2019 in Brentwood,

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Tennessee. But if you're going to understand that day in

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2019, I need to tell you about some days in

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2011 and 2012. We used the word

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dream a lot in 2012, when Nathan and I would describe

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his new job. It was a dream job. On more than one

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occasion, I told people that Nathan felt like he was going to Disney World

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every day. I can't say for sure, but it seems like this way of

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talking about Nathan's job working for the Lampo group that's the legal

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name of Dave Ramsey's company, was highly influenced by a

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book we read in late 2011 while we were walking

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through the long interview process. As a fan

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of the stuff christians like blog, I was a Jon Acuff fan and had recently

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discovered he had accepted a position working for Dave Ramsey. And not

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only had he landed a job there, but he had also written a book

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about the process of getting that job. Quitter, closing the

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gap between your day job and your dream job. I convinced the

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librarian at the college where my husband was working to get that book, and once

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it arrived, I checked it out and devoured it. Here's how

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Acuff described getting that job offer from Dave Ramsey.

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Quote "This wasn't a job offer. This was a

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long term dream job offer. A chance to do what I've always

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wanted with my life. The opportunity to write things I wanted to

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write and speak at places I wanted to speak and follow my

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dream like never before." Unquote. The way he

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described his new workplace hooked me. Not long after reading his

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book, Nathan started the application process. When Nathan was

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offered a job, we felt like our dreams had come true. I was

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living between two very different experiences with dreams. I was reckoning

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with the sudden death of my mom that had happened a few years prior, while

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simultaneously thrilled with the dream job Nathan had

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landed. What I didn't know at that moment in

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2012 was that a little over seven years later,

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what we had been so certain was a dream would become something closer

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to a nightmare. I already had a dream that died. It hadn't occurred

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to me that another one would. And when Acuff published

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quitter in 2011, I doubt he had any idea he would be

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abruptly walking away from what he had told the world was his dream

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job. Just two years later, as I reread Quitter, I can't help

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but note that so many things he shared have not aged

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well. Here's an example. Quote "Dave has also spent

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17 years growing a personal brand. He's got a huge radio

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audience, is a New York Times bestselling author, and had

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spoken to hundreds of thousands of people, and he's managed to

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not become a jerk along the way. That's no easy feat",

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unquote. I wonder when exactly

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John realized that his dream job was a nightmare.

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How did the current version of John reckon with the words he wrote

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about Dave in 2011? Sometime over the next two or

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three years? Something must have changed. In the book, Quitter, Acuff shared

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about the three times he'd been asked to speak at the weekly devo meeting for

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the employees at the Lampo group before being offered a job. He

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had struggled with whether or not he should charge a speaker fee. After all, he

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had to take time off work and drive to and from Atlanta to say yes

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to the speaking engagements. In his book, Acoff says he landed on

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not charging and that he was happy with that decision. Here's

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how he describes what he got for his first speaking engagement quote "the

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experience was awesome, and they graciously gave me

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a massive bag of books as a thank you." Unquote. A

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massive bag of books. Somehow

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Acuff had convinced himself that he was

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the one winning because he had been given exposure and a

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big bag of Ramsey books. When was the

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last time you were offered a bag of crap and gaslit yourself

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into believing you were being given some gift you were unworthy of?

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Apparently he had some misgivings along the way because

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he wrote this. Also, "and despite a successful book release under my

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belt, a dozen fun speaking engagements behind me, and the

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best months I ever spent at a job, fear still exists. Particularly

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the fear that I might have done the wrong thing and made

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the wrong decision." When you're invested in something being a dream,

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it's harder to see the signs that it's a nightmare. When I look

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at Acuff's timeline, it's clear that his dream was dying while we were

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married to the idea of most things at Ramsey being wonderful. And as much

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as I wish he had stood up and sounded the alarm, I don't think

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there's any way we would have believed him. I know that now. I didn't

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then because of a pesky thing called betrayal blindness. In the

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book blind to betrayal by Jennifer Fried and Pamela Burl, I

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have this portion highlighted"surrounding co workers

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may remain highly motivated not to see the injustice for fear

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of losing their own employment. Thus, institutional betrayal

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and betrayal blindness flourish." If I had

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a chance, I would ask Jon when exactly the time of death was for that

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dream job. The time of death for hours was April 2019. It didn't

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happen all at once, but we had stayed in denial over its terminal

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nature. For several months, until that final

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day, there had been at least a tiny bit of something we could hang our

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hope onto. Maybe if the right person said the right thing.

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Maybe if they just knew something would change and be fixed. But we found

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out the right things had been said. The good folks had been run out after

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doing their level best to course correct, and their remaining power brokers not

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only knew the truth, but had been a part of what was broken all

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along. Learning all of that was the death

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knell to our dream. It was dead, along with the future

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dreams attached to it. We had hoped it would be a forever calling for us,

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for our children. And when one big dream dies, it takes

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time to honor it, believe it, bury it, and imagine a new one

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when all you really want is for the old, broken dream to unbreak

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itself. Outsized, out of order. Malignant dreams break

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everyone. We were just now figuring that out. Jesus and

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therapy would prove to later show us that we're always running towards

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something to fill a need or fix something broken, or for the chance

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at a do over. On April 26, 2019, a call

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came midmorning to tell Nathan his exit interview would be at the end of the

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workday at 5:25. I squeezed Nathan's hand as

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we made our way across the parking lot of financial Peace

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Plaza, the home of one of the most popular radio shows

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in the country. At the time, I had traded my typical stay at home mom

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uniform of comfortable clothes for a dressy top and skirt,

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and we crossed that now empty courtyard toward the private doorway to

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the human resources office. More than seven years had

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passed since I sat and waited for my first spousal interview with Nathan's then

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potential employer, who I had hoped would offer my husband a

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job. This interview stood in stark contrast to the

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first, that interview I was invited to. To this

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one, I invited myself. It seemed only right that I

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would be there, since this company had been such a critical part of both

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of our lives. Nathan wasn't surprised I was willing to walk into that

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appointment uninvited. Nathan opened the door and we

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walked in together. So many things had

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changed. What was the same, though, was my absolute confidence in

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Nathan. In 2011, I knew they would be foolish not to hire him

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in 2019. I was convinced they were fools to let him walk

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away. Armando Lopez, the director of HR, greeted us

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warmly and, after some small talks, had something that I remember

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going like this. There aren't many times when a name comes across my

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desk, that surprises me. But yours did Nathan.

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The sadness in his eyes looked genuine, and he continued, I have to

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ask, is there anything we could have done to avoid this outcome?

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Nathan and I looked at each other in bewilderment, and I

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gestured widely and haltingly said, this whole

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situation. Armando continued, I asked this because

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sometimes, as you know, we have information that you aren't aware

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of. Would it have helped to bring you both into a meeting with some more

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people and give you more information? I briefly exchanged a

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glance with Nathan and answered first, with no hesitation, we're

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confident we know the truth and that we're making the right choice.

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I looked at Rick and Armando and back to Nathan and

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added, I've never been more proud of my

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husband. Rick and Armando both quickly affirmed that they,

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too, were proud of Nathan. In retrospect, I wish I had pressed them on

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this. What exactly were they proud of? If the human

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resources team was proud of Nathan, why had Nathan been told by a

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board member that he knew what he needed to do, insinuating that Nathan's

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questions about their handling of a situation meant he should leave?

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Armando's words made Nathan wonder if he knew all the details

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involved in his resignation. Nathan weighed in

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next. I wish he was more firm, but that's not his style. He was

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gracious but clear. He couldn't stay. He shared several examples of

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culture shift and business decisions that made him uncomfortable. A handful of

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signatures later and then it was time. Armando took us up to the

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third floor and buzzed us into the office area that had been deserted at the

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end of the workday an hour ago. He shook our hands and wished us

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well. Then he turned, walked out the door, and left Nathan and I

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alone to gather what remained of his personal belongings and to say

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goodbye to the empty workspace where he had worked for seven years

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and four months. Nathan moved a sign from his now empty

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desk to John's. Nathan is not working on the

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refactoring. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I thought about Nathan's

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closest friend at work. A few minutes later, it was our turn to

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walk out the door. One more ride in the elevator, one more

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walk past the display of core values on the wall. One in

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particular stood out to me. Righteous living. We believe

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character matters all the time. It's a value we still

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believed, but had been heartbroken to suspect that some in leadership there

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didn't. We continued through the lobby and then, for the first time,

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instead of walking out the team member exit, Nathan led us straight

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out the main doors and in so doing called Time of

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Death on a dream.

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Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Can I ask you

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a quick favor? If you enjoy the Untangled Faith podcast, would you

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send it to a friend? Most folks discover podcasts by word of

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mouth. Your recommendation would help me out so much. T

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Thanks

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so much for listening. I'll see you next week.